If you’ve been unlucky to converse with someone who has recently bought a bidet, they’ve probably told you how it changed their lives like some sort of newfound religion. As someone who converted to Bidetism recently, I’m here to tell you four reasons why you shouldn’t.

  1. Have you ever looked at your toilet and thought it could remind you more of a nursing home? With a bidet, you can. Strap an enormous white plastic throne to your diminutive toilet. It’s got handles and buttons. It can probably help you get up and down from the toilet to save the wear and tear on your knees.
  2. Does the power ever turn off at your house, even briefly? Every time, the bidet will reset. It is only when you hit the bidet button that you realize it has forgotten the heat setting. Have you ever had Satan lick your butthole? Zero-degree water blasting right through your colon like an icicle knife is how I would describe it.
  3. With a house with multiple bathrooms, the toilets wear somewhat evenly. However, now there is suddenly only one toilet that can be used for certain activities. Imagine a singular port-a-potty at a busy construction side. Overuse can quickly become a problem.
  4. Have you ever wanted to befuddle and frighten a house guest? Perhaps it is my strange American sensibilities, but the idea of using someone else’s bidet seems strange to me. Like using someone else’s toothbrush.

These aren’t the only reasons not to convert to Bidet and these are largely US-specific reasons as many other countries have a separate bidet (like sane people). To all those US-based hold-outs, stay strong and don’t be swayed by the bidet rhetoric.